All Purpose Dialectic Diatribe

Writing humor is difficult.  What can provoke laughter in person, with appropriate delivery, can seem very unfunny on paper.  Besides, comedy can be offensive, because it's usually at the expense of other peoples foibles, and is often intended to be corrective.

I wrote the following letter to the editor of a local paper hoping to provoke a few grins and, possibly, cause some change, but the editors have not published my offering.  Why? I ask myself.  Is it not humorous, does it offend too many people, is it too long?  Well, I'll probably never know why the paper hasn't published my letter, so I'm going with it offends too many people.  Besides it's directed at the people who write letters to the editor, as well as the editors themselves.  At least the internet/blog offers freedom of speech.  Here it is:


To the Editor:

In consideration of the large number of politically charged letters you print I am offering the following all-purpose dialectic diatribe in an effort to help you free up space on your editorial page for enlightened, well-reasoned, and substantiated opinion.


THE ELEPHANT:
I am appalled that the liberal commie administration has once again proposed legislation that will stifle business and raise everybody’s taxes.  Moreover, Obamanation’s socialist policies enable lazy, shiftless people unwilling to find jobs.  If only these bleeding heart tree huggers could understand the importance of using God given natural resources and letting Capitalism, as our Founders intended, provide for people.  But no!  Instead, these government loving un-Americans will allow immigrants with foreign religions to take over our country, while businesses dry on the vine like so many unwatered grape leaves. We must not stand idle while leftist zealots fleece the pockets of every patriot.

THE DONKEY:
These petrified tea partiers can only say “No!” “No” to more affordable health care.  “No” to education.  “No” to change. These archaic neocons think: The Constitution protects the greedy;  The Constitution enables the already powerful;  The Constitution provides for less taxation for the wealthy.   Cloaked as Colonial Clowns, the Republican party has become a bunch of nay saying rightwing nuts!  Led by a Presidential candidate who won by default, because the favored sons and daughters of their party each shot themselves in the foot, uttering inane ideas and unfounded accusations, the Republican Party presents, that man who is out of touch with most Americans, Mitt the Twit.

Thank you for printing this letter.  I hope it serves its intended purpose, even  if it removes many seriously humorous opinions.